Identifying Your Boundary Style with Yourself

Have you ever felt drained after spending time with someone, even though you couldn't pinpoint why? It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, but you might want to identify your personal boundary style.

As mentioned in past blogs on the topic of boundaries, I think the book, “The Boundary Boss by Terri Cole” is a great updated framework that stands out to help people reflect on the concept of boundaries. My clients agree! I also love the book, “The Empath’s Survival Guide, by Judith Orloff.” Dr. Orloff’s book helps you distinguish between being highly sensitive, versus empathic. (Overwhelmed, vs. feeling responsible for other people’s feelings.)

Our Boundary Styles 

In a previous blog in the boundaries series is called, “Identify the Origins of Your Boundary Style,” we talked about how our family roles influenced our boundary styles:

• Caretaker
• Scapegoat
• Hero
• Masscot
• Lost child
• Golden child

Then, in another blog called, “Identifying Your Boundary Style with Others,” we talked about identifying your boundary styles with others:

1. Over-functioning codependent - feeling responsible for everything
2. Under-functioning codependent- hoping for rescue
3. Perfectionist Codependent - dreaming big but fearing judgment

This time, we’re going to be talking about identifying your boundary styles with yourself. Aren’t you curious?  

In this blog, you'll learn:

1. 🛡️ The 3 Key Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
2. 📝 How to Create Your Boundary Checklist
3. 🚨 5 Signs of Emotional Labor Overload 
4. 🤔 The Differences Between Empaths and Highly Sensitive People
5. 🧘‍ 5 Strategies for Resetting from Overwhelm 

3 Key Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

Doing a little detective work with yourself can help you rapidly gain clarity on how you may show up in the world. 

• Recognize when you're becoming a victim/martyr. 

You know what I’m saying. Agreeing to do something you don’t have time for, then resenting the person. This can happen when you’re concerned about how you “appear” to others. Monitoring how others see you isn’t a realistic goal, and besides, it’s a bit controlling, yes?

Recognize: Notice when you're giving away your power

Respond: It's okay to say "no" when you're genuinely unavailable

Example: "Hey, I'd love to help, but I'm swamped right now. I’m available next week if that helps."

Setting boundaries isn't just good for you—it’s respectful to others as well. Having clean relationships with others makes you a better leader too. 

• Define Your Personal Boundary Rulebook

Time to get clear on what works for you. What's your "yes," and what's your "no"? It isn’t realistic for people to read your mind. 

Explore: Spend time figuring out your boundaries

Feel: Notice when something doesn't sit right with you

Design: Create the life you want, on your terms

You‘ll feel more energetic and vibrant when you’re clear on boundaries! Plus, you'll naturally start to spend less time in draining situations.

• Set Boundaries on Emotional Labor

Are you everyone's go-to problem solver? It might be time to set some boundaries there too! (It’s possible no one helped you, and you’re trying to heal a traumatic wound. Finding a loving trauma therapist can help.)

Recognize: Notice if you're using others' problems as an excuse to avoid your own goals 😳

Refocus: Ground yourself and prioritize your needs

Ask yourself: "Do I want to keep doing all this unpaid emotional labor?"

When you set boundaries on emotional labor, you'll have more time for your dreams – like planting that garden, writing that book, or starting that nonprofit to help the world!

Remember, setting boundaries is all about defining what truly matters to you. 

Your Personal Boundary Checklist

Hey, I get it. Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you come from a culture or family that emphasizes "we" over "I". Where do you even start? Here’s a reflection checklist to get to know yourself better.

At Home

• Do you prefer a quiet or lively environment?
• Do you like it dark or well-lit?
• How clean does your space need to be for you to feel comfortable?

At Work

• What kind of work environment suits you best? (It's okay to have preferences like needing natural light!)
• What are your ideal working hours?
• Do you feel safe in your workplace?

Finances

• Are you more of a spender or a saver?
• Do you prefer strict budgets or more flexible spending?
• How much money in the bank makes you feel secure?

Relationships

• What type of relationship works for you? (Polyamorous, casual, committed, etc.)
• How much alone time do you need? 
• What are your expectations for physical intimacy?

Sometimes we’re so busy bracing through life, we forget we actually have options and choices. It's okay to adjust your rule book as you grow and change. 

5 Signs of Emotional Labor Overload

Are you feeling burdened by emotional labor? It’s hard to recognize this when you’re in a life trance, and reacting to every moment. Let's explore five common signs and how to address them:

• Doing Everything for Everyone 

• Sign: You're constantly tracking and managing others' needs
• Remedy: Put yourself in your schedule. Remember, you matter too! 

• Craving Acknowledgment 

• Sign: You wish people appreciated your efforts more
• Remedy: Acknowledge yourself. "Wow, I'm so generous! I think I'll take a break."

• Feeling Overwhelmed and Resentful 

• Sign: You're irritated when anyone asks you for anything
• Remedy: Sit with yourself and identify what you truly need in the moment.  

• Feeling Responsible for Others' Issues 

• Sign: You're trying to fix everyone's problems and emotions
• Remedy: 
• Recognize it might be a trauma response
• Remember you're safe even if others are upset
• Work on strengthening your boundaries

• Feeling Exhausted After Social Interactions 

• Sign: You leave social situations feeling depleted
• Remedy: 
• Take breaks from draining individuals or situations
• Practice self-care (e.g., weighted blanket, lavender scent)
• Imagine "closing the apps" in your brain to reset

Empaths vs. Highly Sensitive People: A Comparison

While empaths can be highly sensitive, not all highly sensitive people are empaths. Let’s check the differences so you can better recognize your own traits and needs. This fabulous book goes into more detail. It’s called, “The Empath’s Survival Guide, by Judith Orloff.”

Remember, these categories aren't absolute - you might identify with traits from both columns. The key is understanding your personal boundaries and needs, regardless of which category you fall into.

5 Strategies for Resetting from Overwhelm 

Let’s make this easy for yourself. 

• Optimize your environment 

Declutter your home and workspace. Getting help from an organizer can be fun! Creating a space that feels nurturing and supportive can be restorative to your nervous system.

• Prioritize physical well-being

Maintain regular eating habits to stabilize your cortisol levels and mood. Skipping meals can lead to increased stress and irritability, which means everyone will annoy you, and you’ll be no fun to be around. 

• Visit yourself daily

Being best friends with yourself means spending more time enriching your relationship with you. This could be journaling, meditation, or walking without your devices. For instance, you might visualize a "board meeting" with your inner wisdom or spiritual guides during meditation.

• Curate your social circle

Maintain a "VIP shortlist" of people where you all positively impact each other. It's okay to limit social interactions when you're feeling overwhelmed. Prioritize relationships that support your well-being and respect your boundaries.

• Implement daily energetic healing

This includes sweating to help your organs stay healthy, predigesting your venting, so you’re not grumpy to the first person you speak to, and developing insight into the energy you leave behind in the room. 

Create your own strategy that helps you move through the world being proud of who you are. 

Would you like to be taken through the process of understanding and setting healthier boundaries?

The information I've shared above is just a taste of what you'll find in a class inside the Boundary Healing Lab section of the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle. 

Remember, the healing circle is more than just concepts and learning ideas. The Invoke and Release® healing circle actually helps you move through the trauma you’re holding in your body. 

There, you'll discover a step-by-step healing path to help you build a strong and resilient foundation, heal from your past, and move through life with ease.

The Invoke and Release® Healing Modality helps you by:

• 🌿 Reducing stress so you can calmly respond to boundary pushers
• 🧠 Increasing self-awareness to recognize when boundaries are crossed
• ✨ Removing energy blocks hindering healthy boundary-setting
• 💪 Boosting confidence to assert needs clearly and respectfully
• 🌟 Elevating your energy to attract respectful relationships

Joining the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle provides these benefits:

• 🌱 Healing past boundary violations for authentic connections
• 🌺 Attracting people who respect your boundaries
• 🌈 Strengthening the ability to say 'no' without guilt and 'yes' with enthusiasm
• 🦋 Developing a strong self-image for boundary maintenance
• 🌻 Balancing flexibility and firmness in setting boundaries

I look forward to seeing you in the healing circle!

Important Links:

Reveal and Heal Obstacles to Your Success™

What is Invoke and Release®?

Invoke and Release® Healing Circle

Invoke and Release® website

Recommended book:

The Boundary Boss by Terri Cole

The Empath’s Survival Guide, by Judith Orloff

Helpful blogs:

How to Recognize Your Limits and Redirect

Codependence: Your Obstacle to Your Personal Success!

From Codependency to Clarity: Adulting Made Easy

Why is Healing Trauma Important

Identify the Origins of Your Boundary Style

Identifying Your Boundary Style with Others