Identifying Your Boundary Style with Others

Ever felt like you're walking a tightrope in your relationships? You're not alone. Welcome to the wild world of boundaries and codependency - where the lines between caring and controlling blur faster than you can say 'I'm fine.'

In a previous blog, we dove deep into identifying the origin of our boundary styles, which is influenced by our family roles.

Now, let’s talk about identifying our boundary styles with others. I mean, why not right? Aren’t you curious about your rule book with others? 

Let's dive in!

In This Blog, You'll Learn: 

• 🚧 5 Little Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries

• 🙅🏽‍♀️ Boundaries and Codependency

• 🔄 5 Signs of Over-Functioning Codependency

• 🔗 5 Signs of Under-Functioning Codependency

• 🎯 5 Signs of Perfectionist Codependency
• 💁🏽‍♀️ My Personal Journey Through Boundary Issues

Let’s start by identifying some unhealthy boundary styles. Not yours of course, but it’s good to know. 

5 Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries

We all know that unhealthy boundaries exist, and it’s so easy to spot these in others (am I right?), but for ourselves? Not so much. It’s like being in a trance of auto-mode, and blurring boundaries left and right.

Here's a simple breakdown of 5 telltale signs of unhealthy boundaries and quick fixes:

• You are completely exhausted. 

Ever feel like you're constantly drained? If you're always exhausted - mentally, physically, or emotionally - it might be your boundaries waving a red flag. The fix? Get crystal clear on your priorities and what truly deserves your energy. Also, newsflash, you’re not anyone’s indentured servant. Just saying. 

• You feel resentful. 

Caught yourself keeping score in your head? Feeling unappreciated or disrespected? It's time to speak up! Let people know what you need - they're not mind readers, after all. Also, this saves you a whole lot of time apologizing for accidentally telling someone off.

• Your relationships are unbalanced. 

Always the one staying late at work or picking up the slack at home? If you're constantly trying to be seen or appreciated, it's time to ease up on the superhero act. Remember, it's okay to delegate and let others step up too. Want a shortcut? Spend some time appreciating yourself everyday, that way you don’t have to outsource your self-worth to others. 

• You have a tendency to be gossipy or judgmental about people. 

Find yourself talking about others instead of to them? Triangulating might feel good at the moment, but it's a boundary red flag. The solution? Have that conversation directly with the person involved. Another idea is when you’re compassionate with yourself for not being perfect, it creates loads of compassion for others. 

• You're being passive-aggressive. 

Saying, "I'm fine," when you're anything but? Or responding to others' boundaries with a curt "Whatever, I don't need anything anyway"? Try opening up instead. The world is filled with excessive sensory overload. Don’t make people decrypt your secret messages when they barely have enough energy coins to think clearly. 

Boundaries and Codependency

Codependency often involves poor boundaries. People who are codependent struggle to set or maintain healthy limits in relationships. They might:

1. Ignore their own needs to please others
2. Take on others' problems as their own
3. Have trouble saying "no"
4. Allow others to cross their boundaries without consequences

Did you know rescuing people accidentally disempowers them? Yup. It’s like saying, “I don’t think you can do that, so I’ll do it for you,” or “You’re way too slow, so I’ll do it instead.” 

Through the years of reading books on co-dependency, (for research only of course. Kidding), I really love how Terri Cole, of “The Boundary Boss,” writes in a way where you get to learn without feeling like a loser. Below are some of her concepts, combined with other books I’ve read on the topic. 

5 Signs of Over-Functioning Codependent 

Let's explore the signs of over-functioning codependency. This pattern often shows up in people who take on too much responsibility for others. (This was me 4 years ago! 🙋🏻‍♀️)

• You tend to feel responsible for the choices, outcomes, and feelings of other people. 

Got a friend with an issue? You're already cooking up solutions before they finish talking. It's like you've appointed yourself the Chief Problem Officer of everyone's life.

• You believe you can do it faster than other people even though they're capable of doing it for themselves. 

Patience? What's that? You'd rather do everything yourself because, let's face it, no one can do it as fast (or as well) as you can. Training someone? Pfft, that's for people with time on their hands.

• You often do what's more than what's asked of you. 

Asked to do X? You'll do X, Y, and Z, then wonder why no one's throwing you a parade. It's like you're playing a game of "Who can do the most?" but you forgot to tell anyone else they're playing.

• You cover for others. 

Your kid's homework isn't done? No problem, you'll pull an all-nighter to finish it. Your partner forgot to do the dishes? You'll handle it and make excuses for them. It's like you're running a one-person rescue mission 24/7.

• You keep score in your head. 

You've got a mental tally of every good deed you've ever done, and boy, does that list make you feel like a martyr sometimes. It's like you're playing a game of "Good Deed Bingo" but forgot to hand out the cards to everyone else.

Now let's take a look at the flip side: under-functioning codependency.

5 Signs of Under-Functioning Codependent

This pattern shows up in people who tend to avoid responsibility and rely heavily on others.

• You have a tendency of telling yourself, “I can't do that myself.” 

Your catchphrase might as well be "I can't do that myself." You're like a professional damsel in distress, always waiting for someone to swoop in and save the day.

• You tell everybody your ideas and look for validation, but then you don't take any action. 

You've got big ideas and you love sharing them, but when it comes to actually doing something? Crickets. It's like you're stuck in the planning phase of a never-ending project.

• You're the king/queen of excuses. 

"I'm not smart/attractive/fit enough" is your go-to line. It's like you've built a fortress of self-doubt to protect yourself from the scary world of trying and potentially failing.

• You give away your authority and then resent them. 

You hand over your power faster than a hot potato, then get mad when things don't go your way. It's like you're playing a game of "Not It!" with your own life.

• You don't take responsibility for your mistakes. 

Mistakes? What mistakes? Those are never your fault. And when it comes to relationships, you're all about taking and not so much about giving. It's like you're playing Monopoly but forgot to bring any money to the game.

Last but certainly not least, let's examine the perfectionist codependent. 

5 Signs of Perfectionist Codependent

This pattern appears in those who set impossibly high standards for themselves and others.

• You believe that workaholism or busyness is a badge of honor. 

Your calendar's so packed. It's practically bursting at the seams. It's like you're competing in the Productivity Olympics, and you're going for gold in every event.

• You happen to be so super critical of yourself. 

You're so hard on yourself, you make Simon Cowell look like a softie. And you're convinced everyone else is judging you just as harshly. It's like you're living in a reality show where the judges are all clones of your inner critic.

• You have a rejection projection. 

Opening up? Showing your true self? That's scarier than a horror movie marathon. You're so afraid of rejection, you've practically got a force field around your heart.

• Everything is personal. 

Every look, every comment, every slightly off-tone text message? It's all about you, obviously. It's like you're the star of a drama where every side glance is a plot point.

• You have analysis paralysis. 

Taking action? Nah, you'd rather research for the millionth time. It's like you're trying to earn a degree in procrastination, with a minor in overthinking.

Now, let me share a personal story that might hit home if you're feeling a bit of shame about your own experiences. 

My Personal Journey Through Boundary Issues

I grew up as the family scapegoat. Yay me! This led to some pretty predictable behaviors.

In my 20s and 30s, I was like a one-person rescue squad. As a hairdresser, I tried to fix everyone's problems. Imagine the drama when a client brought in both their wife and mistress! (On separate days of course). Talk about awkward. I kept secrets like a pro, (great practice for becoming a psychotherapist, and being excellent with confidentiality), but that was too much responsibility.

I'm the type who can juggle a lot, but I set such rigid boundaries that I forgot how to ask for help. Then, about 20 years back, I dated this guy who wanted to do everything for me. Cooking, laundry, you name it. 

Slowly, I morphed into this whole different person. I became less productive to fit his need to be the hero. One day, he forgot to make me dinner and was all worried I'd be starving. 

Me, starving? The same person who used to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for 50 people! I'd basically vanished into this new, dependent version of myself. (Gross).

When we broke up, everyone noticed how much happier I was within hours. Just being myself again felt liberating.

Takeaway

We often adjust our behavior and boundaries to fit in with the person creating what’s called a “complementary relationship.” 

Think about it. If your nervous system is organized to stay safe by making sure others are happy, it’s easy to morph into someone else without even realizing it. 

Remember these three important points:

• Notice where your boundary is and where others begin. When you’re not clear on what’s yours, you may be moving into someone else’s territory. 

• Prioritizing your self-respect while acknowledging you have the right to be a separate person with your own thoughts and values. It's about maintaining your essence while engaging with others.

• When feeling overwhelmed listening to others, try to notice if you feel responsible to “fix” something.  Remind yourself, “I can be kind and caring, while staying in my lane. 

Hey, we all go through different stages of how we connect with others, but revisiting our boundary style is important throughout different seasons of our lives.  

Would you like to be taken through the process of identifying your boundary style with others? 

The information above is from the Boundary Healing Lab section of the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle. There you will find a step-by-step healing path to help you build a strong and resilient foundation to heal from your past and move through life with ease.

The Invoke and Release® Healing Modality helps you:

• 🛡️ Identify and improve unhealthy boundaries in your relationships
• 💞 Recognize signs of codependency and work towards healthier patterns

By joining the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle, you will:

• 🧘 Develop self-awareness about your boundary style and how it affects your life
• 🚧 Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others
• 💪 Increase your self-respect and stay true to yourself in relationships

If you feel called to identify and improve your boundary style, I encourage exploring the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle. With an open mind and heart, you can access profound inner resources to anchor and illuminate your journey.

Important Links:

Reveal and Heal Obstacles to Your Success™

What is Invoke and Release®?

Invoke and Release® Healing Circle

Invoke and Release® website

Recommended book:

Boundary Boss by Terri Cole

Helpful Blogs:

Identifying the Origin of My Boundary Style

Codependence- Your Obstacle to Your Personal Success 

From Codependency to Clarity: Adulting Made Easy