Identifying the Origin of Your Boundary Style

Ever wondered why you react the way you do in certain situations? Why you might be the first to jump in and help, even when you're stretched thin? 

It turns out, a lot of this comes from our family dynamics. Shock, I know right? That’s why I really enjoyed the book, Boundary Boss by Terri Cole.  She breaks down in a fun and empowering way the dynamics we’re conditioned into, without making you feel pathetic. That was my experience anyway. 

We all know family dynamics can deeply influence our roles, behaviors, and even our boundary style. For years psychotherapists have been helping clients decipher who they really are without the family roles they play. Understanding these roles isn't just interesting—it's essential for personal growth and healthier relationships. Aren’t you curious? 

Let's discover how family roles shape us, particularly when it comes to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

In this blog, you'll learn:

1. 🧩 The different family roles and their characteristics.
2. 📖 How these roles react to boundary bullies.
3. 💪 How I handled a boundary bully
4. 🛠️ How to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
5. 🌱 How to move towards healthier interactions.

Okay, the stage has been set, so let's dive into the different roles we might play in our family dynamics.

Key Family Roles

Do your family visits transform you back into playing your assigned role? It’s not your imagination. Let's break down these common family roles and see how they affect how we understand our version of proper boundaries.

• The Caretaker: Always There for Others

• Characteristics: Puts others' needs before their own, feels responsible for everyone.
• Example Scenario: Receives a late-night call from a distant relative asking for help and goes out of their way to assist, even when it's overwhelming.

• The Scapegoat: The Family's Punching Bag

• Characteristics: Blamed for family issues, carries the burden of the family's negative emotions.
• Example Scenario: Feels compelled to over serve or help someone, driven by a need to prove they're not the "bad person" their family dynamics have painted them to be.

• The Hero: The High Achiever

• Characteristics: Strives to be perfect and responsible, maintains the family's image.
• Example Scenario: Agrees to take on additional tasks or responsibilities, reinforcing their image as the reliable, capable one, even if it stretches them too thin.

• The Mascot: The Comic Relief 

• Characteristics: Uses humor and distraction to diffuse tension.
• Example Scenario: Deflects a serious request or situation with a joke or light-hearted comment, avoiding the need to address the issue directly.

• The Lost Child: The Invisible One

• Characteristics: Prefers to stay in the background, struggles with self-esteem and social skills.
• Example Scenario: May not receive direct requests for help or support because they are perceived as distant or disengaged, even though they might be incredibly observant and insightful. 

• The Golden Child: The Favored One

• Characteristics: Idolized and praised, feels immense pressure to maintain a perfect image.
• Example Scenario: Struggles with setting boundaries, fearing that asserting their needs could jeopardize their status or the conditional love they receive.

Understanding these roles is one thing, but seeing them in action is another. Let's talk about a common scenario to bring these roles to life.

How Our Different Types Handle a Late-Night Boundary Bully

Imagine getting a late-night call from a distant relative demanding help. Here's how each type might respond: 

• The Caretaker: Helps reluctantly, then complains about it later.

• The Scapegoat: Feels obligated to help to prove they're not "the bad guy."

• The Family Hero: Eagerly agrees to help, even if it's inconvenient.

• The Mascot: Probably wouldn't get the call - they're not seen as the "helpful" type.

• The Lost Child: Also unlikely to get the call - they tend to fly under the radar.

• The Golden Child: Might ignore the call, feeling there's only room for one person in the spotlight.

Which response sounds most like you? Remember, recognizing these patterns is the first step to setting healthy boundaries!

Theory is great and all that, but sometimes a real-life example can really drive the point home. Let me share a personal experience with you.

How I Handled a Boundary Bully

Let me tell you about a failed boundary situation I dealt with in the past. I was at a social event and someone was collecting donations for a cause. I generally only give to human rights organizations, and this was not that. Also, as a student, I was not rolling in extra cash, so I said I’m not able to do that. He used guilt and manipulation for thirty minutes, and I finally gave in. Since he was extremely wealthy, he had a gap in understanding that $100 USD was a lot of money for some people. He had more than enough to pay for the project alone 1,000 times over, but got donations instead. I guess that’s why he was so financially rich.   

The boundary pendulum swung to overcorrection. In my coaching program back in the late 90’s (hey, I’m not that old), I was known for having "the best boundaries" in the program. Though not exactly meant as a compliment - everyone else was all "Namaste,” and hugging way too long, in my opinion. I was the one telling people to back off when they tried to "clear my energy" without asking. Creepy. 

I've chilled out since then. Now I can say, "No thank you, please stop that," without breaking out my death stare of, “I will cut you if you do that again.” 

Here's the thing: everyone can ask for what they want, or cross a boundary they don’t know you have. It’s up to us to let them know our own personal rule book of what does and doesn’t work for us. Even if it feels a bit weird sometimes.

Now that we've explored these roles and seen them in action, you might be wondering: “How can I improve my own boundary-setting skills?” Let's look at some practical strategies.

Tips to Manage Boundaries 

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for personal well-being, regardless of the family role you identify with. Here are some strategies for managing interactions and maintaining boundaries:

• Self-awareness: 

Recognize your role and how it influences your behavior. Slowing down and noticing without rescuing can give you insight.

• Compassion: 

Have compassion for yourself and others. All us humans are doing the best we can.

• Clear Communication: 

Be direct and honest in your interactions. Try to avoid punishing people who aren’t mind readers.

• Self-Care: 

Prioritize your own needs and well-being. Overgiving and neglecting yourself can lead to resentment and burnout.

• Seek Support:  

Professional help, such as therapy and the Invoke and Release® Healing Modality, can provide valuable tools for setting boundaries and healing from dysfunctional family dynamics.

As we wrap up, let's distill what we've learned into some key points to remember.

Takeaway

Look, here's the deal with all these stories: don't sweat other people's quirks too much. If you're keeping score in your head about who did what, you're probably giving more than you should.

Ever do something and then kick yourself later? That's your cue to double-check your boundaries. Ask yourself, "What's this reminding me of? Am I stuck in some old pattern here?"

It's totally cool if someone gets under your skin. Some folks just have weird boundaries. It happens.

Bottom line: People are gonna people. Your job is to figure out where you stand and stick to it. No need to make it more complicated than that.

But hey, I get it. Sometimes it's easier said than done. That's why I want to share something special with you.

Would you like to be taken through the process of understanding and setting healthy boundaries?

The information I've shared above is just a taste of what you'll find in a class inside the Boundary Healing Lab section of the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle. There, you'll discover a step-by-step healing path to help you build a strong and resilient foundation, heal from your past, and move through life with ease.

The Invoke and Release® Healing Modality helps you with boundaries by:

• 🌿 Reducing stress so you can calmly respond to boundary pushers
• 🧠 Increasing self-awareness to recognize when boundaries are crossed
• ✨ Removing energy blocks hindering healthy boundary-setting
• 💪 Boosting confidence to assert needs clearly and respectfully
• 🌟 Elevating your energy to attract respectful relationships

Joining the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle provides these boundary benefits:

• 🌱 Healing past boundary violations for authentic connections
• 🌺 Attracting people who respect your boundaries
• 🌈 Strengthening the ability to say 'no' without guilt and 'yes' with enthusiasm
• 🦋 Developing a strong self-image for boundary maintenance
• 🌻 Balancing flexibility and firmness in setting boundaries

If you feel called to explore deeper healing and personal growth, I encourage exploring the Invoke and Release® Healing Circle. With an open mind and heart, you can access profound inner resources to anchor and illuminate your journey.

Important Links:

Reveal and Heal Obstacles to Your Success™

What is Invoke and Release®?

Invoke and Release® Healing Circle

Invoke and Release® website

Recommended book:

Boundary Boss by Terri Cole

Helpful blogs:

How to Recognize Your Limits and Redirect

Codependence: Your Obstacle to Your Personal Success!

From Codependency to Clarity: Adulting Made Easy